A Night Well Remembered

So how did this one end up?

You know, I don't know how many times in my life---specifically the last year---that I have looked back over a performance (any performance) and experienced those sagging shoulders as I thought about what I had just done. The disappointment that I felt over what I considered to have been failures all the way around when it came to my singing. The questionings that I had offered up to God of why I could not enjoy my music, why I felt such fear, why such lack of confidence.

Tonight as I ponder the Giver and the gift, I can say that I am amazed that He sees fit to give such a precious gift to mankind. I think of the power of the voice---the emotions it gives out, the comfort it offers, the joy it brings to those who come under its spell! Yes, the gift of music---the love and beauty of singing---was meant to be shared. It is not something that we can keep to ourselves. It is something we offer up---a giving of our entire heart, soul, and spirit as we communicate to an audience. If anything is left out, our gift is hindered.

And yet to do that, one must have a point of confidence---on object! How many times I have read the Opera News articles, coming across the statement from various artists, "My faith means sustained me." Some truly mean it. Some have no clue. My question to each one is, "What is the object of your faith? Better yet, WHO is the object of your faith." This object is what sustains you. For some, it is faith in the technique. For others, it is a teacher or coach.

Both failed for me.

However, there is one that has remained true. One object! And it was that One that I had the joy of singing about last night at our Fall Concert.

Long have I dreamed of singing the Exsultate Jubilate. It has come to mean much to me. All movements (Exalt, Joy, Give Comfort)---all texts----point to the final piece: Alleluia. "IA!" Literally a transliteration of "Yahweh"--that personal name of God that even the Jews---His very own people---would not utter. Meaning Jehovah! God! My God! And I have the privilege of singing to Him.

What Grace He gave last night. What joy I experienced in singing praises to Him! What fun and lightheartedness He gave during my opera solo.

For a brief moment, I felt nerves tightening the muscles of my breathing mechanism. But as I took slow breaths and begged the Lord for His calmness and sustaining power, my mind, heart, and body began to slow down and relax.

So I had trouble getting into the first piece. So I had a few flat notes. Who cares! I had fun! I had confidence. But not just any confidence. A Confidence that comes only from above---that is based in full dependency upon an Object. Jehovah! God! My God. I found myself at His mercy seat---and I found Him to be there---and I found Him to be gracious. I found Him to be full of strength and energy---and I felt it flow through me!

What joy I experienced proclaiming the Giver of the gift!

Concert Preparation

Well, the day is here. Concert Run Number 1! I am so excited, yet trying very hard to keep it contained. One cannot use too much energy too soon! :)

So how does one prepare for a concert?

We singers are weird when it comes to performing. We can't help but end up being a bit divaish about it! There are ways to go about it. Mine starts about a week in advance. Thoughts, meals, rest, etc.

Well, to be quite blunt, here I sit, in front of my computer, my timer set with 5 minutes left of bleach on my face. Music plays behind me. Ronan Tynan. I needed sometime peppy! For a moment, I felt my energy falling, so he sounded nice and rousing for a start. Next will be Spirituals in Concert, then perhaps Wicked. I slept decently, although with much anticipation. I kept seeing my music in my mind and it kept rehearsing over and over inside of me. I got up, had a good breakfast, laid back down, piddled with some dishes and lunch in the crock pot. Read my Bible. Drank Coffee.

And now, comes the mental prep. Slowly getting ready for a nerve racking event. Yet, it can be channeled correctly! That is what am working towards. For me, personally, I do a lot of praying for strength and calmness throughout the day, lots of song study, much sitting and contemplating, etc.

Naps are in order, as is eating well today. Keeping warm is a key during the winter months. Sure, there are the ideal preparations of hair, dress, makeup, etc. Those are in order. My formal has been setting out for two days now. I just need to put my skirt in the bathroom with me during my shower to finish getting last minute wrinkles out. All is ready to go that way. I even have my eating and meals planned out for today! I have practiced. The technique is set for this run, whether it is good or bad! Now I just have to execute it!

The most important to me though is the mental and emotional prep. This concert is big for me. Not only is it a dream performance of the Exsultate come true, but it is a big step confidence-wise for me. I want the joy of what I am doing to shine forth to the audience, yet I also want them to see God's gift being shared! That is my desire!

So here I go, back to the bathroom to take off the bleach, then to the heater with a book of Peter Pan for about an hour. I need something imaginative and light.

I wonder about what I wonder

Hhmmmm! Do you ever just find yourself sitting and thinking. And there isn't necessarily anything going on in your thoughts. You are just sitting. Contemplating. Wondering. That is me tonight. Just thinking. Nothing in particular. Just kinda looking back over my last few days.

How good it feels to sing. Had a rehearsal Tuesday and sang for 2 hours straight. Sometimes I am amazed that my love for the art of singing gives me life and endurance. I honestly don't know where it comes from. I guess that is what makes me believe that the desire is God-given. Because only He could sustain me and keep me through moments like that.

How blessed I have found myself this week with the people that God has put in my life. Learning to just accept them for who they are and just love them has been a great lesson for me to learn. Seeing them as better than myself---which I must observe as the worst of sinner saved by grace. And if that is how I am, then surely I can forgive them and love them as Christ forgave me.

Do you ever sit and wonder where you will be in 10 years because of where you are now and the amazing way of how you got even this far. Exciting isn't it. I mean, who knows what the days will bring and the months and the years. And yet it makes each day kinda special in its own way.

Today I found myself thinking about my students and the impact I could and am having on their lives. It hit me today that "You know, I am supposed to be 'that woman' that the Bible talks about for them to look up to." Kinda makes you think and change your perspective. Boy is it a reality when you realize that you are supposed to be the one now that is settled, know where you walk, know how to talk, yet humble enough to keep learning. And somehow they have to see it. WOW!

Well, really I didn't want anything. Just blabbling. Just thoughts, yet nothing big.

Learning to Walk One Step at a Time Without Fear

So today I received an email. I found myself neither encouraged nor discouraged. But rather just thoughtful. Sometimes, I think too much. But today, I think I needed these thoughts.

Do you ever find yourself on this roller coaster adventure of life sometimes willing it to speed up, sometimes begging it to slow down?

That is how I felt today as I considered my future.

I long to sing! So here lately I have been pursuing venues, making inquiries, and seeing what the Lord does with them. I am learning the valuable lesson of caution and prayerful decisions.

Sometimes, I think my teacher is right. We do fear something about success. And yet, is it really success that we fear? Or is it the unknown of the journey toward the success? The what if's along the way. The not being able to plan for each detail. Not knowing what you are really getting into specifically. Not always knowing the right protocol.

That is where I found myself today. The future has so much potential. So many good things. But how will they all fall into place. Well, the answer is that you learn to walk one step at a time. Without fear. Without trembling. Not always focusing on the end goal. Knowing it, hoping for it. But seeing the daily journey along the way. The moment by moment. Seeing people and things around you. Knowing that they are all meant to be a part of the plan God has for you today! The things that will make and mold your future because those people, things, decisions were all apart of the process.

I don't know. Maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow! But today, I see a bright future that only the Lord Himself can bring to fruition! So today, I choose to be an adventurer, relying on His wisdom to guide me a long!

A little note for the other one!

Stacye, Have I told you how much I love you, recently! Accomplishments are made in a different way for each and every individual. Yours are more than being accomplished. I love hearing your stories of the kids and their little ways of saying they love you! You are a mom and wife to be admired. I only hope that someday I can do half as well with my life as you have with yours!

The Way It Really Was!

So I felt that I should take the time to tell about the thrill of the Chicago Marathon in my own words. What a day! And one so well spent. I have never been to a marathon. But let's just say I would TOTALLY go again. They are so inspiring. I now how such respect for these athletes. What dedication and hard work.

I must say I was quite surprised, yet absolutely thrilled at how supportive the crowd was for each and every wave of runners that swept by.

Well anway!

We took the train down to China Town. There were so many people on the train that we got stuck watching some of the runners pass way up from the train station. The crowd was huge!!!!

When we finally got down to the street level, each of us kept asking Jake when Sheri was supposed to come by. She had started a little after 8:00. It was now after 11. We waited rather excitedly for a pink hat, pink shirt, and black pants to appear on the screen. As I watched the runners pass, viewing some of them, I felt a little nervous anticipation!!! Was Sheri this tired? Was she ok? Was she getting any cramps. We had prayed so hard for no side cramps and no shin splints. Around 11:45 or something, Chad disappeared from his spot high on a barrel. And then we saw her! I was so excited. She looked so good! So pretty, actually. Definitely didn't look like she had been running for over 3 hours. She looked so happy and like she was having fun! And she just plugged along! We cheered and screamed for her! And she waved back. But no stopping for her! She kept on to the finish line.

We moved to the next spot. You know we really did have good viewings along the way. Once again we waited excitedly. Had we missed her!!!! But no, there she appeared---an hour after the first pass. She looked tired, but still so good! We screamed and shouted again and even ran a little with her. She was almost done. Only a mile to go.

An hour later we met her at the hotel. She had beaten us there. Walked all the way from the finish line to the hotel. She says that is good for you. She looked so good, once again. Worn from 26 miles and 4 hours and 20 minutes of running. But in such good shape, so pretty, and so happy. She had achieved her goal. She told us all about the people she had met along the way, the food she had eaten, and the plug along the way!!!! Wow do they feed and hydrate these people---water, gatarade, bagels, oranges, nuts, bananans, you name it. My sister was smart. She had her cliff bars!!!!! She knows how to take care of herself. And she got a medal for finishing.

I must say again that I truly admire these people. Even the ones that had to walk for a few minutes. I mean, this takes dedication, care, planning, determination----and a dream!!!!!

I was so proud of my sister! Have I said that enough. She started something, had a dream, made it a goal, worked for it, got into it, and accomplished it! And what an honor it is to be called her sister!!! What a memory to support her as a family like we did on October 12, 2008!!!!!

I love you, Sheri! What hope you give!

My Sister Ran The Chicago Marathon

On October 12, 2008. And finished!!!!! I am so proud of you, Sheri-Beri! You had a goal and accomplished it! You did so well and looked so happy! Well done!!!! I love you and loved being a part of a dream come true for you!!!! You brought tears to my eyes so many times today!!!!

A Flicker of...............

It was a feeling. An emotion. It came from somewhere deep within. A place that I have long viewed as feelingless in its experiences of hurt and pain. A place as dead and numb for so long--that one would have thought it did not exist at all. I doubled checked to see if it were real. Even looked it in the face and questioned if it were real!

It stared back at me and cried out! Not with pain this time. Not with fear. Not with anger. Not with hurt.

Not this time.

Instead it flickered up, up and up until it reached the top and sprang out.

As the music began to build beneath me, I felt that flicker of, YES, joy, hope, feeling, excitement, anticipation. For a brief moment, fear grabbed hold of it and looked it in the face. But hope looked back. Hope slapped fear in the face and walked past it.

I felt my musical soul return. Could it be? I mean, I actually found myself asking, Could I really be feeling joy in my singing again?

There was no mistake this time. I felt the music move within me. I didn't care what I sounded like. I didn't care what the others thought. I just knew that I loved to sing. God was looking down and smiling once more. Life had returned. Joy and hope, though faint were there. There was a reason to sing! A reason to share once again the gift of music.

Oh how can I keep from singing! If music be the food of love, sing on til I am filled with joy!

What is this Journey?

As I sit here waiting for my last student of the day to arrive, I cannot help but think of singing.

I got in some practice today. Went well. I am learning to pace myself. If it just isn't working at the moment, come back to it later! So I do. Sometimes I get so excited and full of hope. Other times I find myself asking, "what is the point?"

What is this journey they call a career path? I have asked that many times in the last few weeks. Even corresponded heavily with those in the professional field that I have the privilege of personally knowing. What kindness I have been shown! And guidance. Yet Truth. Those two in this career path are hard to bring together. I have asked some pretty pointed questions of my teachers and coaches this last month. And received answers. It should bring me home, yet I often feel stuck! Will this feeling go away.

They say that there is no one set path for a music career. It is personal. One must make it their own. So what is mine? I will admit that I have yet to find out what it is. But I am trying to find out.

Some things I have started coming to terms with----change, instability, moving, loneliness, perseverence, self-motivation. But where does one find the moment by moment hope in it. I had it once. That fervent excitement and love of just singing. What happened to it? Right now I am experiencing the pain and hurt of the journey. And yet they say that it is necessary! That it helps you feel your characters pain and hurt as you sing. That it develops the inner emotion of singing. I miss the joy! Yet, am learning through the pain.

What is my journey? I do not yet know, but I sense it is full of adventure---with light at the end. Perhaps that is what keeps me going. That light! That ray of joy and returned love and passion!

Look Out Chicago!

Look out Chicago! Because my sister is coming to town to take you on!!!

I'm rooting for you, Sheri-Beri! You are going to do just fine in your Marathon! Keep plugging away! I'm revin' up to be in the crowd along the sidelines cheering you on!!!!!

Lots of love and prayer!