Musings

What an unusual evening for me.......I sit here anticipating the fact that I do not have to get up and go to classes or work tomorrow......An ice storm.....or rather, as I call it, a blessing from God just for me, giving me what I most need this weekend: TIME. Time is priceless and precious to me. Not only does it allow for much needed rest, but it also gives me time to get some things done. Even more than these though, it gives me time to think....something I already do too much of. And what does someone like me think about....oh, this and that. Family, future, music.....life....my life. That part of me that once in a blue moon allows itself to be vulnerable. Not something I do very well. But it would appear as though here recently that is exactly what I have done. No secrets....just my heart's desires before God (and maybe a few others). I don't like being vulnerable....and I don't like admitting that there are voids and weaknesses in my heart of hearts. It is so much easier to pretend that I have it all together. That I am confident. That I know exactly what I want and where I am headed. And yet, I, of all people, am not that confident. Nor do I have it all together. I don't always know where I am headed, although I do know exactly what I want. And therein lies the vulnerability. For in those desires comes the reality that I must accept that what I want may not be what God wants. I do not always know how to determine that line.....so I pray....and pray some more....and trust....and try to maintain that trust. And in the midst of that vulnerability, discouragement, and hurt comes a sweet rest. Not a feeling of peaceful rest....but a rest that submits itself, after much contending, to reality and knowledge that God does know what I need.....that He will tell me when the time is right. My heart is heavy-laden, Lord. My flesh is worn and weak. Thy precious words of rest and peace I long to hear thee speak. So mid the clashing noise of strife and struggle of the day, I turn my thoughts to thee, oh Lord, that I may hear thee say: Come unto me and I will give thee rest--be comforted and blessed. God delights in my prayers...even their repetition; for "He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most high shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.