A Breath of Fresh Air

The long months of winter can eventually take a toll on the human mind and emotions. It's almost as though the very coldness and dreariness begin to settle into your inner core. I found this to be true here recently in my own life. Don't get me wrong! Chicago is beautiful during the winter. But after a while, the mundane and the being cooped up inside starts to get old. I have enjoyed the warmth of my home, a cup of coffee and tea, and a book. As a matter of fact, just the other day, I took Jane Eyre and went over to Caribou. I sat in front of the fire with a cup of coffee and thoroughly enjoyed the warmth and the reading.

But there is nothing like fresh air. Last week, we got a short reprieve from the cold and depressing sanctions of winter. The sun was out, the sky was blue, and the air was brisk. So I went for a walk-----OUTSIDE. I was amazed at how invigorating it was. I felt my mind clear and my spirits lift as I looked around me at the beauty that was out there. My mind went so many different directions. I thought of my friends, my family, my very life as it was up to that point, and my singing. Both happy and sad thoughts.

In some ways, it is a harsh reality to think through the various areas of your life. When I thought of my friends, it was with sadness that very slowly I feel the ties breaking with those I once knew. Not all of them. But many of them. It is part of life to move on, but it is also a painful process. Some memories are too sweet to let go of. But yet, one cannot continue to live in the past. You take the memories with you as sweet thoughts, but you let the actual moments go, for they cannot be relived. Some people continue to grow and change with you, forever staying a part of your life in some way. Some, through the process of life and its ever changing scenes, grow apart from you. And this is ok! This is life. Change is hard to accept, but change is good!
Happily I thought of those few faithful friends who have stuck with me day in day out! I miss seeing their faces, but continue to make memories over the phone and through email!

As I thought of my family, it was with a sweet smile. Ever true, ever faithful, ever blunt! :) Loyal and supportive to the end. I love them dearly. Always my friends. This, life can never change. We are bound by a sweet relationship in Christ to love, support, and lift each other up. To cry with, laugh with, give a kick in the pants when necessary, or offer a kind word when all seems bleak! I wouldn't trade them for the world!

My life! Well, continues to be ever interesting and uncertain. The loneliness has not gone away. Just the other day I found myself quite discouraged. There was no one there to offer an encouraging word, no one to give a hug, no one's shoulder to cry on. But there was a sovereign, loving God. Strangely I found Him to be enough. Ever loving, ever convicting, and ever guiding. This is the God I am coming to know more and more each day. Life continues to be life, dealing to each person what it will each and every day. But there is comfort in knowing that my God controls it all. Even when my eyes are holden, I know that He is near! What a glorious thought to know that because of Christ, I have peace with God!

My music continues to fascinate me. What a privilege it is to use this tool for the Lord. Not to mention that I love being a musician! I am learning to let go, to dare, and to have fun all at the same time. One cannot sing with a set of hard fast rules that will work everything out, just as one cannot always live life in the same way. Each song is different and uses different techniques, just as each situation in life is different and requires different perspectives and responses. At this stage of the game I am nearing the point of interpretation. I have to really delve into each character and find a person--Rosina, Sophie, Gilda, Norina, Linda, etc. I will admit that right now Rosina and Norina are my favorites. Such personalities. Regular Spitfires! The sad thing is, I can relate. One would think it would be easy to be yourself on stage, but it isn't. I have gotten too use to hiding my emotions and my flamboyant personality. (Some people can't take all of me at once). But that is what will be so great about singing. I can be me---all of me---the whole person that God created me to be. I relish the thought of reaching the day when I let go and dare to have fun!

A Disturbing Phone Call!

Most people live their lives trying to avoid situations in which they are embarrassed in front of other people. There are a few of us who actually manage to stay away from embarrassing situations about 90% of the time. We tend to keep to ourselves and our personal groups are small, thus limiting the quantity and quality of our embarrassment. There is the occasional stumble, the stupid comment, the bad hair day, something in your teeth, zit on your nose, etc. moments. But we do move past them all, especially when those in your small, personal group, after making fun of you, continue to accept you for who you are and aid in building your self-confidence and esteem.

However........and don't you love those "but" moments. Oh, yes, there is always more to the story. It just can't be avoided.

There are a few of us, who live in more fear of those small, but disastrous moments when you embarrass yourself...........in front of yourself. There ain't no one there but you, yourself, and you. You actually wish someone had been there. Self-esteem just comes crashing down. There is no one there to pick you up. No one there to tell you it's ok. There isn't even anyone there to laugh with. And I'm sure had someone been there, 1. you wouldn't have done "it" and 2. It wouldn't have been as embarrassing, somehow!

I had one of those moments today. A moment when having a cell phone was not so cool, at all! A moment when I should have just kept working. But oh no, I thought I would call my parents and check the Anderson weather. Afterall, Chicago was terrible! Snowy, cold, icy, etc. But I had this brilliant idea that I would make the call on my work phone, so that I could continue working while I checked up on my family very quickly. I pressed my "Handsfree" button and dialed my home phone number. No one answered, so I hung up. I pressed the "Handsfree" button again and thought I would call my mom's cell phone. So I dialed. It started ringing. Two rings into my call, my cell phone started ringing. "Ah, man,"I thought, "who is calling me now!" I hit the "rls" button to hang up my work phone, grabbed my cell phone, and checked the number. It was an Illinois call. I was so mad........who was calling me. I answered my phone, and as soon as I said, "hello," they hung up. HOW RUDE, was all I could think!!!!!!!

All of a sudden, I realized that I had actually dialed my own cell phone number instead of my mom's. I just hung my head. How stupid.....How moronic......I mean, what a geek! And I hung up on myself! What a dork! I had burst my own bubble. I mean, I called my own number and hung up on myself! I could not even encourage myself on this one. What a hit to the old self esteem! Even my mom laughed at me!

But this too, like everything else, shall pass.

Another Adventure

I am really starting to enjoy travelling! I remember when I took my first plane flight--only a year ago! I was fascinated by the process. Since January 2006 I have flown three times---and loved each moment. There is something truly exhilarating and thrilling about being several thousand miles up in the air. I can't quite explain it, but it is kindof, well, peaceful.

A couple of weeks ago, I started another adventure. This one is the far opposite extreme of flying.....for it is quite near the ground! Riding the train. I finally got my lesson schedule set up for the next few months. In order to make it downtown within a reasonable amount of time--and without driving in rush-hour traffic--I have to take the train.

Now let, me explain a little bit. Chicago has an abnormal amount of train travel options. There is the Metra, the Blue Line, the Pink Line, the Brown Line, the Orange Line, and the Red Line (and who knows how many other lines). There may be a Green Line too! Each professes to be the fastest. Don't believe them. The L moves faster than the Metra, but it also stops more than the Metra. So, in short, it takes the same amount of time. You just have to determine which option works best for you.

For me, it was the Blue Line, which I took for the first time about two weeks ago. And hence my life, continues to never have a dull moment! I found out about my lesson time on a Sunday night. So I thought---"Good, I have several days to figure this out!" I even called CTA. The woman gave me the whole SHPEEL: "Board the Metra at 7:17 am, get downtown at 8:23, walk 1 mile from Union Station to Roosevelt or catch PACE number blah, or blah, or blah--or you could take a taxi." I thought-----yeah right! So I asked about the Blue Line. Now get this. The woman told me if I boarded at 8:11, I would be downtown by 8:20. I asked her three times about this and oh yes, these were the times. I thought, "Wow! Quick trip!" She even went so far as to tell me that the walk from the Blue Line Station would be a plesant 4 block walk since I was walking with the wind and not against it! How is that for service?!

So, I thought I was ready to go! I got up the morning of my lesson, got ready, had my breakfast, and headed out the door. What a day! Instead of 25 minutes to get to the train station--it took me 40 minutes. The sun was so bright, I could barely see, and I took a wrong turn.

I finally made it to the station and parked my car. I then proceeded to pay for my parking by following a young man up to the pay machine who looked like he knew what he was doing--for I did not! I tried very hard to get my dollar bills to go into the machine; but dog-gone-it, they just wouldn't go. MY LUCK! I finally figured out that it was because the one I was trying to stuff in was ever so slightly folded at the top. So, as I began digging in my billfold for another one, I became increasingly aware that the line behind me was getting rather long. I quickly paid for my parking, then moved on. As I headed through the door of the station building, I heard this high voice squeak out, "HI." I saw no one, so I just kept walking. I walked all the way down to the turnstile and became very confused. Where was I supposed to get a ticket? So I turned around and walked right back out the door of the station. I walked over to the little window from which the voice came from. Inside was "the voice." There, in a small cubby-hole, sat a Dunkin Donuts salesgirl! As pitifully as I could sound, I asked, "Could you please tell me where to buy a ticket?" She pointed me back inside. So I went back inside. I ended up asking a security guard for some help. It took him 5 minutes to figure out what I was doing. He tried to sell me so many train tickets it was ridiculous. There was a 70 dollar pass, a 30 day pass, a 10 ride pass, and something called the Chicago Card. By the time all was said and done, I just purchased a round ticket for the day and went to board the train. Oh yes, and I should mention trying to figure out which way the transit card fit into the turnstile slot. Need I say more?!

So I boarded at 8:05. The Blue Line made 18 stops along the way. I got off the train Downtown at 9:06 for a 9:00 lesson, then had to walk a couple blocks. Granted, it is a fabulous walk, but not when you have no clue where you are.

So I stopped in the first building I saw (not that finding buildings is a hard thing to do Downtown Chicago). How ironic that the building I chose was the department for Homeland Security! But the security guard was so nice. Told me right where to go. Needless to say, I showed up 20 minutes late to my first lesson.

When I got back to the Rosemont Station, from which I had left early that morning, I made a bee-line for the Dunkin Donuts to get a coffee. I felt that I deserved one! Trying to get out of the CTA parking lot was another huge ordeal---but the mission was eventually accomplished. And believe it or not, I arrived home quite safe from my excursion---albeit 6 hours after I originally left my home---a little tired and with a splitting head-ache..............but nonetheless feeling rather successful about the days events. I had conquered yet another adventure!