Settling into Uncertainty

Tonight, I find myself not sure on what I wish to write. Upstairs plays a sentimental song from the piano. Yet I am not necessarily sentimental tonight. Thoughtful as always, but not sentimental. As I look back over the past days, so much I could write about swirls around: Auditions, Disappointments, Blessings, Memorable Chats, Tears, Laughter, Quietness of Evenings spent Reading, Noise of Long Nights of Rehearsals, Practice Sessions, Research, Students, Accomplishments, Frustrations.

But honestly, what sticks in my mind is the statement, "who you really are has become lost in what you have become." For weeks this phrase has reared its ugly head in my mind. Yet, not always so ugly. Sometimes, it is a gentle reminder to just be me.

Yet, who am I? To answer that question, I think I always know who I am. It just doesn't come out. But I feel inside who I am. Here recently I have appeared more often then I used to: sometimes on my own effort, sometimes with a gentle, yet convicting manner from God. I feel those leanings of personality that used to come so naturally and joyfully. But now, at this point in life, I am aware that to be genuine, they truly are a breath from God, lived out in human form, if we will allow Him to be our joy and our song.

Funny, my mom read me a verse yesterday that completely defines my very life, livelihood, circumstance, and calling: Psalm 28:7--"THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH AND MY SHIELD; MY HEART TRUSTED IN HIM, AND I AM HELPED: THEREFORE MY HEART GREATLY REJOICETH; AND WITH MY SONG WILL I PRAISE HIM."

Yet I am keenly aware that this joy of inner self is not manifested without a true yearning to please God. We cannot make it happen and live a fulfilled and satisfied life. Oh, life is uncertain. And that past weeks have taught me that in every way. Yet, there is a settling that we can have through this uncertainty. It comes from within---from a sincerity within that has given itself up totally to the control of One who knows all and deserves all.

This is who I should be. This is who I was created to be. In a sense, I can say this is who I am----it just needs some Strength and Shielding.

There is a First for Everything

So many times in our lives we experience a first moment. Just about when we thought we had been through it all, that one things pops up. It happened to me today.

As I have journeyed and continue to plug along this road toward my dream of singing, each moment has been so new for me. I don't know how many times I have emitted the very words, "I feel so behind, so naive, so inexperienced!" And still I do---even after all I have been through and have experienced.

You know, I look back.............I have been through many competitions, many plays, performed many solos, concerts, and in many ensembles. I mean, it isn't like I haven't been up there and out there. I've auditioned in front of friends and strangers. Each brought a new feel, a new experience.

But I will admit that I was not ready for the disappointment I felt today.

Today, I received my first professional rejection. You know, they say that if you can just get through that first year of "no's" that you will be just fine.

But after today, my question was, "Will I?" In some ways, yes I will be. In some ways, not so much.

Today, I received word from my first professional audition. I had been so excited. Even felt like I sang fairly well. Was so proud of myself for just getting out there, trying, defeating my fears. On top of that, I had been personally invited to the audition for this performance with a Chicago Gilbert and Sullivan Group. For 10 long days I awaited the results.

And today, I got them. "Dear Shellie," it read, "Thank you for auditioning, but we were unable to cast you in this year's production." And you know the rest, "perhaps in the future."

The disappointment I felt. And right before my Indianapolis Audition. I will admit that I really just wanted to cry---and still do. I mean, it really is ok. But well, the feelings and such. The stab in the heart that I feel towards my love of singing.

Oh, it isn't the end of the world. But you can't be on top of it every day, right? I guess I just love to sing SO much that I truly wanted to be a part of this one. To be honest, I want to be a part of them all---why lie!

Someday............

Time well spent

Well, it's the end of another week and here I am. I look back at this week, and yes it has been a good one. A busy one, but a good one. Lots of time well spent with friends. I am truly trying to make the most of my life. I will admit that I am not one to make New Year's Resolutions. Guess I mistrust myself too much to break them. But I do find it important to live each day in light of how you can make it the best. What things can you change about your life today that will make it better.

So as I look back over the week, I realize that there are truly a few good people in the world whom you can call friends. Moments with them may be few and far between, but they are so special. Making the most of them should be a priority in anyone's life.

Today, my prayer partner popped me a chat on gmail asking if I was available last minute. Now, I am not good at last minute. Still learning that lesson, but you know, I think we both sensed that we need that time of fellowship and prayer. And what a time it was. How special those moments when she and I can fit them in have become.

In some ways I feel a bit guilty that I was out and about so much. I mean, surely I could have done something else with my time. And sure I could have. But the times spent with those few good people this week were so glorious, so God-given. They were a refreshment to my very soul. The time could not have been more appropriately spent. I think each of us has to learn to slow down a bit and make time for other people. Yet how easy it is for each of us to swallow ourselves in a world of busyness and personal interest. How starved we become without even realizing it until it is almost too late!

On the lighter side! It was frigid this week here in Chicago. In the Negatives during the day. So why was I out and about? Ha! All for the love of friendship and fellowship. Well, not just that. But even if that were it, it would have been well worth it. You definitely move faster from car to indoors in this weather. Times of hot coffee and fireplaces are well invested in. And so, I found myself by the fire at Caribou, or sitting over a warm bowl of soup and lunch, or in front of my heater-but often with some warm company as well. And when there wasn't company there was always a good book.

How important people are in our lives. Yet how often we take them for granted! But how grateful we become for those people who are willing to forgive and continue on in friendship. I will say that getting back into what I call "the world of people" again is hard for me. But that is my fault. Oh that we could always be as forgiving of others as we would have them be of us. Perhaps we would not run from each other so often. This is where I find myself. And yet, I am not down! I am rather encouraged to have those faithful few: the friends and the family who have continued continuing on despite the battles that have and still continue to be fought.

Ending the week by saying.......................

It is a funny thing that I can contemplate my blog all week, yet when it actually comes to writing on it, I suddenly go blank and can think of nothing interesting to write about. So hence, it always ends up that I write about my week!

But I must say it has been quite busy! I got back and hit the ground running! Christmas was wonderful. A full two weeks at home with family---playing games, watching movies, light shopping, practicing, sleeping, eating, carrying out traditional holiday events, and just sitting in front of the fire. Actually for about a week of the time I was at home, we were without heat, so I literally spent most of my time sitting in front of our fire place! :)

I so enjoyed my family this holiday. Just being near them! Having them around at the end of a long day to just enjoy the closeness---it didn't matter if we talked or not. I kinda miss them right now.

But yes, I did hit the ground running here in Illinois. I drove back in a snow storm, got in after lunch time only to spend the next two hours cleaning before students arrived. Taught those students, then finally sat down. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were about the same routine as Tuesday. Although by Friday evening, I was devastated, having made a student cry in her lesson. I felt like the worst teacher living. You know, one of those things on your "never to happen in lesson during your teaching career" actually happened! I could have quit teaching right then, I felt so bad. But all ended well, Thank the Lord!

Today, held a very nasty day in the weather. I shoveled 6 inches of snow off my driveway! And all before I had my coffee! But what a treat it was to get some later in the day! :) I even drove to my 3 hour opera rehearsal in all this bad weather. Yeah, I know, pretty stupid! But hey, sometimes you gotta do what it takes! (I won't do that again, though).

Tonight, well, I think I will sit and read a bit! It's been a week. Much has been on my mind, and it is time to put it all away and just enjoy the evening with a bowl of popcorn and a good book! What more could you ask on a cold, snowy night! Perhaps a movie would be better, but I would honestly prefer the book tonight!